F4WOnline.com was so ashamed with its live Raw coverage Monday Night that, for the first time in over a year the report ran without a byline attributing the report to a writer.
Early indicators point to Jeff Hamilin as the culprit, the same writer responsible for last week’s recap as well. Both showcased the creative spelling of Bray Wyatt’s name as “Brey,” and Ambrose as “Amrbose” and were also prone to sad, non-sequiturial jokes—one comparing Luke Harper to 80s wrestling heel Killer Tim Brooks, before then referring to Harper as “Brooks” in the next sentence.
Late in the show Hamilin picks up the call on the Luke Harper vs Neville King of the Ring first round (quarterfinal) match:
“In a disappointment, Luke Harper did not say if he became the next King of the Ring, he would give himself the moniker “the new Killer Tim Brooks.” Neville did a gorgeous moonsault to the floor and came back with a standing shooting star. Good near fall when Brooks hit a Liger Bomb to block a huracanrana.”
The report got off to an inauspicious start with an impenetrable 280 word wall of text recapping the in-ring opening segment involving Seth Rollins and Kane arguing to kick off the events of the night.
After some innocuous coverage of the Barrett v. Ziggler, Hamilin informs us that Big E defeated Tyson Kidd, “while Woods held Kidd’s let outside the ring.”
We then get coverage of the Ryback v. Bo Dallas match, after which Hamilin has this to say on Wyatt attacking Ryback:
“After the match, Brey Wyatt showed up in the ring and gave Ryback Sister Abigail. Michael Cole couldn’t explain why Wyatt had targeted Ryback. Wyatt feels like the territorial heel who is past his shelf life and would go from Alabama to the Carolinas by now to freshen up if we were still in the 70s.”
At this point, when we got the coverage of the Seth Rollins and Kane backstage segment where Kane informed Rollins the fans would vote to pick his #1 contender, I wasn’t sure whether Hamilin meant it literally or not when he informed us that “Rollins got mad and stuck his foot in his mouth again.”
By the time we got to the gem of a recap for Naomi vs Brie Bella, the piece was barely skimmable.
“Naomi now has boots that light up with every step and sunglasses that look like she’s about to join Devo. Naomi in Devo. That has Network reality show possibilities. “
One wonders what the objective of the live Raw coverage at this point.
The piece then descends even further, reaching an almost Faulknerian stream of consciousness incomprehension level with the Sheamus v. Dean Ambrose recap:
“Dean Ambrose vowed to ban all pop country if he was to win King of the Ring. If so, would modern country radio have anything left, aside from Eric Church? JBL brought up Shania Twain. Sheamus is still pushing the kiss my arse deal with Ziggler, so it’s clear Vince is giving up on that stip before Ziggler walks out the door. Good match with a cheap finish. Amrbose took the match on the floor where Sheamus gave Ambrose the Brogue Kick. Then Ziggler ran down and attacked Ambrose for the DQ. Some fans booed the finish. Ambrose was mad over the DQ, saying “For once in my life, I didn’t do anything!” Among the highlights were Ambrose making the ropes to escape the cloverleaf and Ambrose doing a plancha off the turnpost.”
With coverage like this, I can imagine most readers begging for McCarron to come back. Or just not reading altogether. Which is probably for the best, as by the time Hamilin takes us to the main event, the notion that this is in fact a big troll job on readers is starting to sound more likely than anything else.
Here’s Hamilin’s take on how beneficial WWE banning the RKO for Extreme Rules was for Randy Orton:
“The one-night ban on the RKO turned out to be clever because the fans chanted RKO, so it was similar to when Kevin Nash had the jackknife banned in 1998, which only got it over more. Not over enough to save the company from his booking, mind you, but over.”
Finally, here’s how the main event ended in Hamilin’s recap:
“In the ring, Reigns gave Rollins a Superman Punch, and Orton pinned Rollins the RKO.”
SUMMARY: Overall, I find Jeff Hamilin’s writing to be weak and ineffective. If his premise is that he’s writing to inform readers who aren’t watching Raw what is happening on the show, and how well it is getting over with the crowd or not, I have to say it’s a miserable failure. If, however, he’s writing this to amuse himself, or thinking Dave Meltzer might read it and be amused, his jokes about Killer Tim Brooke, 70s wrestlers moving from Alabama to the Carolinas to refresh their careers and an always popular Kevin Nash Killed WCW LOL dig are good starters.